sunset after a snowstorm.
winter has come.
wishing this was snow.
laying on a bed of snow
enjoying the first snowfall this season.
death is sad. a warm wet mess. showing no regard, snow falls again. i fear the collapse of my roof as more snow piles on. i fear the freezing of pipes as temperatures dwindle to below zero. below comfortable. i fear my car not starting in the morning. i fear icicles falling dangerously close. i’m failing to see the beauty in this. three people, that i know, died last week. three. one of them was the mother of a close friend. i remember standing in the back of the church on a summer sunday crying with my friend as she told me her mother had breast cancer. today we mourned her losing that battle. i sat there next to my husband in a tiny new hampshire church crying. why? i barely knew the woman. i met her a handful of times. grateful for those, sure, but i didn’t really know her. but i grieved. for her, and her daughter, and family and friends. all of us gathered in that church suffering from the shared disease of sadness. i also could not help think that this might be happening again soon, to me. to our family. i would be standing up there reading the twenty third psalm. my husband giving an eulogy. the congregation singing dad’s favorite hymns. people telling funny stories of dad as a teenager. people weeping over ‘our’ loss. when i was with my mom last she was talking about dad’s funeral. i wanted to block my ears. this is NOT going to happen. it is too sad. yes, we rejoice as these people wander onto eternity’s shores, beholding the face of jesus. but it is sad. a deep ache and bitter taste takes root within me.
more snow. moving to warmer climates seems more appealing with each new foot of snow that falls. moving closer to mom and dad. i have school vacation coming up in a week and people are asking if i am going down to visit dad again. to be honest i don’t know if i want to. but i am torn. maybe i’ll just pack up my son and car and drive. a friend (whose dad passed away last year) encouraged me to spend every available moment with dad. every moment that i have left. i want to. i just wish we didn’t live so far apart.
this past week two people, that i knew, passed away. to cancer. my facebook wall was flooded with comments of sympathy for the family members. i added my condolences wondering how soon this will be me. how soon will it by my turn to receive condolences and sympathy, to post an obituary, to post a photo in memoriam. i believe God has a plan. he is in control of the plan. i know that plan includes life and death. i know that even though i am begging for a miracle, i am bracing for that phone call from mom. the waiting is horrible. the unknown. the indefinite. maybe one day i can flood facebook with shouts of praise!