day.one.hundred.forty.three.

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wednesday night. i’m too lazy or exhausted to cook so i offered to go pick up dinner if i didn’t have to prepare the meal.  sometimes you just don’t want to do anything. this tired teacher is on vacation, my son too. we have been staying home mostly vegging out in front of the tv or video console. we ventured out each day for a target run or dunkin donut’s coolatta.  everyone has been asking if we would go visit my parents in virginia.  to be honest i don’t really want to.  i want this: to stay home and veg with my son. i feel like i have been living in a state of sadness and stress and faith for the last three/four months that i just want to collapse.  i want to lie under the covers binge watching grey’s anatomy. and not feel guilty about it.  tonight, though, my mom emailed me saying dad was not doing well. something about vomitting, sleeping too much and white blood cell count rising. and then the guilt creeps up. i wish i was there. i wish he wasn’t so far away. i want him to know that i do not love him any less because i chose to stay home during vacation. maybe it was selfish of me. to hoard my free time to myself. maybe the get well card we sign and send him will help. i doubt it.

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