day.one.hundred.thirty.nine.

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death is sad. a warm wet mess. showing no regard, snow falls again. i fear the collapse of my roof as more snow piles on. i fear the freezing of pipes as temperatures dwindle to below zero. below comfortable.  i fear my car not starting in the morning. i fear icicles falling dangerously close.   i’m failing to see the beauty in this.  three people, that i know, died last week. three. one of them was the mother of a close friend.  i remember standing in the back of the church on a summer sunday crying with my friend as she told me her mother had breast cancer.  today we mourned her losing that battle. i sat there next to my husband in a tiny new hampshire church crying. why? i barely knew the woman. i met her a handful of times. grateful for those, sure, but i didn’t really know her. but i grieved. for her, and her daughter, and family and friends. all of us gathered in that church suffering from the shared disease of sadness.   i also could not help think that this might be happening again soon, to me. to our family. i would be standing up there reading the twenty third psalm. my husband giving an eulogy. the congregation singing dad’s favorite hymns.  people telling funny stories of dad as a teenager.  people weeping over ‘our’ loss.  when i was with my mom last she was talking about dad’s funeral. i wanted to block my ears.  this is NOT going to happen.   it is too sad.  yes, we rejoice as these people wander onto eternity’s shores, beholding the face of jesus. but it is sad.  a deep ache and bitter taste takes root within me.

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