Monthly Archives: December 2014


what a sight to come home to. i leave my son and husband alone (for the first time for a couple of nights) and this is what greets me at the door.  i loved it.  a beautiful mess.  it showed me that they took time to play together. to build together. to enjoy each other’s presence.  that warmed my heart. my heart so raw.  my eyes are dried and i feel exhausted. but i’m home. i will go back to see my parents in twelve days. but for now we clean up with mess, and trudge on.

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I do not like hospitals. the last time I was in one as a patient was not a good one. Hospitals are supposed to heal, rejuvenate. But when I walked through the cancer ward today on the way to my dad’s room I felt the opposite. I felt the pain and suffering every single one of the patients (including my dad) was feeling. The air was thick with this feeling. These people are not going to be healed. That why cancer is pure evil. It may allow patients to survive, but the cancer will always be lurking.

Later in the evening as I left the hospital with mom I saw a window draped with thousands of ribbons. Each ribbon was color coded to at least 10 different types of cancer and each ribbon had a patient’s name on it.

imageA name of a survivor or not. If I had a pen I would have added an orange ribbon. I’m kind of glad I didn’t have a pen because I’m still in denial that my dad has this killer of a cancer. I’m praying it won’t kill him.

Cancer might take my dad away . Or cancer will let him live a few more years. The thought of “what if” haunted me all day.  I haunted  me when I left the house at 5:45 am.  When I was taking my seat on the plane. When I entered my dad’s room. When he winced in pain. When my mom showed up. When mom and I drove home. I cried every single time. Tears of “please, God….don’t let the ‘what if’ be today.” So. Now we wait. Which I’m learning cancer loves to make us do. Wait for improvement or not.

There is no doubt heaven is waiting. I believe there are millions of angel ready for dad’s arrival. Jesus himself will be holding the biggest “welcome home” sign of all. But I also believe God can heal. I pray for the latter. I pray God  kicks cancer’s ass.  Hard.  Let his will be done.  His perfect will. And may my feeble heart accept it.

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mt. washington. probably the most iconic site in new hampshire. i’ve driven up the treacherous auto road once. i’ve hiked it once. i even rode up on a cog.    the husband and i were able to have dinner and spend the night in the just as iconic mt. washington hotel and resort.  an old hotel boasting hallways similar to that seen in the movie, the shining.  it was nice to be treated to a delicious meal and enjoy a kid free night. no fighting bedtime routines. i was able to watch what i wanted on the tv. i could stretch out on the massive king sized bed (putting our queen to shame).  i woke up to the view above. and i  did not bring my camera.

for those of you who follow this blog and the story of my dad, the update is this: he is slowly getting well. all weekend, especially, i was holding my phone ever so tightly, in fear that i would get ‘that call’ from my mom that my dad has passed.  the phone never rang. in fact i didn’t hear from mom at all making me fear the worse. today i called and talked to them both. he will have another bone marrow biopsy tomorrow to see if the AML cells have been terminated. despite being weak, he is well.

please keep praying.

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the boy and the tree.  what i love about christmas is hope.  my boy hopes he gets everything seen on every commercial.  he hopes it will snow (which it did already). he hopes his cousin doesn’t actually move in three days. i have been reading about hope the last few mornings.  mary had hope. yes, THE mary. the one who was told she was pregnant, but didn’t have sex. talk about someone’s life being thrown a wrench. but she had hope.  hope that this was truly GOD working in and through her.  that the baby she was carrying was truly the son of GOD. how epic is that?  mary learned the meaning of hope: believing in Someone and believing that said Someone will work all things for good. in fact she said, “nothing is impossible with GOD.”   i take that to heart especially with my dad.  i learned today that he has a staff infection, and with someone who does not have an immune system right now this puts him in danger.  but nothing is impossible with GOD. if GOD can make seas separate, flood the earth, make fire rain from the skies, prompt a donkey to speak a human language, make a leper instantly non leprous, raise a man (including himself) from the dead, then He can heal my dad.  He can.  but will He?  i have hope that he will make all things work together for our good.

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woke up to ice covering everything. the trees. the grass. the car. the streets. the dead mum out back.  it’s been a week since my dad was hospitalized for what we now know to be AML. a form of leukemia. it didn’t help at all that someone i was talking to day about my dad said her own dad died of the same thing.  he lived for three years and then the suffering ended.  as christians we believe that there is a better place. heaven. a place that is more glorious than we could ever imagine. but when someone we love leaves us for heaven, we are left here. apart. separated. i don’t want to think my dad will be leaving us soon. in fact mom wrote to say he is doing well.  “almost normal.”  this initial round of chemo is ending today. they will do another bone marrow biopsy to see if the bad cells were killed.  but now he is at risk of infection. being at risk is what scares me.   what scares me is getting that phone call from mom, before i can be with her. that he is gone.  i believe in a God with whom nothing is impossible. yes. it is possible for God to heal my dad. completely. but will He?  what is His will?  we lay in wait.

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