mom and dad out for a walk.  we got word today that dad’s chemotherapy will begin tonight.  it will be a stronger, more brutal dose. ten times the amount last time, and every twelve hours instead of once a day.  the intent is to annihilate all the evil cells destroying dad’s blood and body. once and for all. leave no one behind. with such intensity though there are risks of side effects. there is risk of  the chemo affecting dad’s brain, leaving him with the inability to walk or talk.  um. what? he could survive the cancer but not be able to enjoy the life given to him? i don’t want my dad to be wheelchair bound never speaking again. i don’t want my dad to hurt, suffer, be in pain. cancer sucks. big time. it has ruined this man’s life. this man who doesn’t deserve it.  please do not let this walk today be his last.

the boy and i fly home tomorrow, so today was my last day here. i hate that thought creeping into my head that it could be the last time i see him.  the last time.  emotions are so hyped right now. fear. sadness. love. pain. joy. nostalgia. anger. i hate it.  i hate the distractions that i force to make happen. that i even need to be distracted. even dad says this is all for the glory of God.  God who is in control of all of this. whose control i need to give in to. let go and let God … right? cancer. i’m now one of those people who will post a meme on facebook about showing my love and support for a loved one battling cancer. let this battle end, soon. let God’s glory be revealed. let people see the hand of God at work. i’d love to see a miracle. i’d love to see the cancer get what it deserves: annihilation. i’d love to see dad live another thirty years sharing a story of his miraculous healing. i’d love to see dad not in a hospital gown. i’d love to see dad not cry because his is afraid. i’d love to see him again, walking and talking. please God, hear our prayers. our pleas. our begging. our cries for mercy. look upon my dad, sitting there in his hospital bed, waiting for the chemo to be given. waiting to see what will happen. pour your mercy over him now. show him your face. reveal to him your unfaltering love and peace.

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