Monthly Archives: May 2011

day one hundred.fifty.one

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“the fullness of your grace is here with me
the richness of your beauty’s all i see
the brightness of your glory has arrived
in your presence God, i’m completely satisfied…”
-from phil whickham’s ‘divine romance’

romance of the divine kind. sometimes i feel it. the intense passion of my savior. then there are days when i feel completely numb. alone. it is sinking in the realization my life has changed exponentially. i don’t fully understand it and am afraid of what this entails. i didn’t ask for this, but it was handed to me. on a rusty platter if any. i see myself as the woman who struggled her way through the throbbing crowd just to touch the hem of the robe of the savior. her desire to end the pain. but just to touch the hem? if anything she clung on so tightly, refusing to let go, wanting to be completely satisfied. for once. my fists are clenched. my clutch tight to the hem of the savior. waiting to feel the rush of that divine romance wash over.

day one hundred.fifty

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perfect car wash attendant

day one hundred.forty.nine

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a passing rain cloud while at the park forced us to take cover

day one hundred.forty.eight

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not quite ready for his nap

day one hundred.forty.seven

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hopefully i will not have to adorn these lovely bracelets for a long time. today i felt robbed of a piece of my life. about thirty minutes. i do not remember. it is strange and frightening waking up not knowing a single thing that happened to you. perhaps i don’t want to know all the details. when i awoke a flood of emotion including despair and fear washed over me. it was as if my body was reliving what it did exactly twenty days ago. then there’s god. my heavenly dad who, in his infinite mercy, placed two people there with me today: my husband and a friend from church. she just happens to work in day surgery and just happened to be on schedule today. i am constantly reminded that god is downright good. god is good on the days i forget to cry and on the days i give myself a migraine trying to hold it in. i’m realizing i will never get over this, just grow with it. the growing part is stubborn though.

“…please be my strength
please be my strength
’cause i don’t have any more
i don’t have any more…”- gungor

day one hundred.forty.six

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blueish skies are here with the burning sun. it is a good day.

day one hundred.forty.five

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another day spent reliving what i was forced to live three weeks ago. my postpartum visit. why they make me return to where it all began only to sit and wait. and wait. and wait is beyond me. i’m trying so hard not to tear up in the waiting room. as soon as the nurse brings me in to the exam room i burst into tears. then i wait. and wait. and wait for my doctor. last time i saw her she was handing me corban, my baby boy. again my eyes relieve themselves of the torrent of tears welling up. so many things set me off and i’m not just sad. i’m angry. mad. frustrated. excited. anxious. to the nth power. my hormones are off balance making me off balance. i left the doctor’s office learning my uterus is not what it should be. after another ultrasound i find myself talking to the scheduler of surgeries. a D&C. sounds so catchier than what it stands for. dilation and curettage. i don’t know how i deeply feel about the procedure. but i do know it will be friday. another visit to the hospital. can this just all be over please?

day one hundred.forty.four

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i’ll have the grande, please.

day one hundred.forty.three

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it may look like snow is falling. we have two enormous trees that overshadow the front of our home. each spring they shed milllions of these tiny green leaves. so much so there is a blanket of green covering the grass. pretty, but a nuisance.